You could be dead tomorrow

You could be dead tomorrow
I repeat this mantra
often
because I need to remember

I need to remember
the feeling that can only be known
when one tastes the
the cold cruelness
of imminent death
yet still lives

The first time
I felt it
at the icy steel end
of a shotgun barrel
like a flash
my fragile mortality
laid bare before me

But it was too fast
too traumatic
the memory
too painful
I could not remember

The second came slowly
like a death row inmate
desperately awaiting a pardon
for what seemed a lifetime
it arrived
not from a governor
but from cancer

And I remember
the feeling
was the same
as before

The feeling where
you realize
nothing else matters
but this moment
that the past no longer exists
and the future may never

The fear
of anything
everything
melts away
Blood rushes back into
your soul
white hot
and fierce

Your senses explode
into sharp focus
as the world opens up its secrets
anything
and everything
yours for the taking

It is at this moment
you know
you feel
with every aspect of your being
what it means
to be alive

You could be dead tomorrow
I need to remember
to stay alive
today